STANDUP SCRIPT
Written by: Sanjana Deshmukh
[Stage is set, spotlight on Sanjana]
“How’s it going, folks? Hope you’ve been having a good evening. I was,
until I decided to take this test to assess my attachment style – you know,
for fun. smirks Yeah, it was fun. I mean, if the goal was to make me have
sad songs playing in my head while I thought about all my relationships,
sure, it was fun. Yay for me!”
“So, in case you want to experience this fun too, I used the Experiences in
Close Relationships Scale—Relationship Structures Measure (ECR-RS) (looks
at paper.) Yeah, I should’ve quit when I saw that long title, but okay.
Basically, it helps you understand your attachment in each specific
relationship – pretty cool, right? Except that it means discovering what
kind of emotional baggage I’ve been dragging around in every relationship.
I mean, it scores how avoidant and anxious I am on a scale of what… 7?
Woo-hoo, great for me!”
“Okay, let’s dive deep. Starting with my mom: My avoidant attachment score
with her is 3.33. So, I’m like, ‘Yeah, Mom, I love you… from a distance.’
I don’t avoid her completely, but emotionally, it’s like I’m holding her
hand with one foot out the door- not because she’s annoying, but because
I’m professionally distant. And anxiety? 2.33. I’m worried, but not enough
to bombard her with those ‘I’m sorry I’m so distant’ calls. Not too bad,
right?”
“Next, it’s my dad, and oh boy, this one was surprising. His avoidant
score? A solid 5. Yeah, that’s right, the scale rates out of 7, and it’s like I have a 5-star hotel in the name of attachment score. I guess I’m emotionally distant… like he’s a ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign. And with an
anxiety score of 4.33, I’m on high alert, constantly wondering if he’ll
give up on me…just like my hairline!”
“Now for the spicy part – my exes. Avoidance: 5.83, anxiety: 6. It’s like a
combo meal of emotional chaos and insecurity. Maybe I am a walking soap
opera when it comes to my exes, like my friends always thought. My
attachment style with them? ‘I’ll ghost you before you ghost me, but also,
please don’t leave me!’ Like, I’m avoiding real conversations with you, but
can we also talk about our feelings at 2 AM? You know, those relationships
where you’re constantly worried about even texting them? Yeah, that’s me.”
“You know, I really thought my dad would’ve had worse scores, but I guess
the relationships that came out of my issues with him were worse
(shudders)”.
“But there’s some good news – my current boyfriend is like my emotional sanctuary. Both scores are 1. If he were FeviKwik, I’d be glued to him.
If I were any more secure, I could start a relationship podcast.
Actually, I already do that, but just with my friends. It’s like, ‘I’m
finally nailing this emotional availability thing!’ No avoidance, no
anxiety. I feel like an attachment style superhero!”
“Sticking to the good stuff, we’ve got my sister: Avoidance is 2, anxiety
is 1. Super chill, no stress. Probably because we’ve mastered the art of
sibling telepathy. You know, the kind where you can have an entire
conversation with just eye contact? Yeah, that’s us. ‘You handling this
mom-dad drama?’ ‘Yep.’ End of conversation. Zero drama. I’m secure with
her.”
“Lastly, my best friends. Avoidance is 2, anxiety is 2. So, I’m cool with
emotional closeness here too. I’m not worried if they don’t text me back
right away, but if they take too long… I’m definitely drafting a ‘Did I
do something wrong?’ message. It’s the perfect mix of closeness and
personal space.”
“Now that you’ve gotten a peek into my emotional baggage, let me give you
my two cents on the scale. Maybe some of you want to take a ride on this
rollercoaster tonight. The scale is pretty good, though it’s tough to
understand how to score. Ask AI or something for help, I mean, I’m smart,
but no offense if you’re not as overachieving as me. You did see how high
my scores were. (hopes audience laughs) The scale is also very culturally
relevant. Like, one of the questions was, ‘I find it easy to depend on this
person,’ and that totally makes sense, right? Or maybe that’s just our
generation. I’ll ask my parents and see what they say.”
“And here’s the thing – relationships change over time, so my scores might
not be the same next time I take this test. Plus, I was in a good mood
today, maybe because I haven’t spoken to my parents – yet. I’ll take it
again on a day they annoy me and see if the results hold up. But yeah, it
seems pretty accurate, reliable, and relevant. Flexing that research
knowledge – sorry to brag.”
“I’ll leave you with this: the scale really makes you think about how your
attachment patterns affect your relationships. The best part? You get to
choose which domains you want to explore and understand better. And it’s
like I’m collecting attachment styles like Pokémon – gotta catch them all!
But, honestly… I’m just happy I’m not a complete emotional train wreck
(laughs). Also, that I’m finally secure with someone- my boyfriend, my
happy place. Lucked out with that one, not going to lie. If nothing else, this quiz taught me that attachment styles are just like relationships-
complicated, messy, safe, and sometimes hilarious. Thank you, and have a great weekend!”
[Exits stage]
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